Friday, November 15, 2013

Broken Hearts and Pizza Pies

I've been thinking...which can lead to dangerous things usually but not tonight. I've been thinking that pizza seems to be the perfect food for a broken heart. As I type, I am waiting on a pizza...a super supreme thin crust. Which raises the obvious question, are you suffering from a broken heart and are you trying to soothe your bruised ego with the worlds most perfect food aside from chocolate? 

Why yes, yes I am. 

Mind you, it is not super broken. There are no tears flowing although I am sure if I tried hard enough I could muster a few to satisfy that need for release, however tonight I prefer to drown my sorrows and feelings of foolishness in a thin crispy crust laden with tomato sauce, veggies, meats, and cheese. Mainly because I don't want to cry. I don't want to shed tears over this person who has, yet again, broken plans. Who has, yet again, disregarded plans and feelings, and has yet again, tossed our night aside for someone they claim to have known all their life, yet they only speak maybe three times a year. This person is someone I do not know, have never been introduced to, nor has the offer been extended to meet them. Sketchy? Why yes, I think so. This is the second time in two weeks where plans have been broken. The second time I am left feeling foolish and alone and confused as to how someone can claim to put me and our relationship first yet push US to the bottom of the pile when this fair-weather friend comes a callin without a second thought. 

I am not shy about sharing how I feel about it with my significant other. And I am also not afraid to eat a pizza, mainly because I embrace my fat kid tendencies, and drink a coke and then maybe eat some tootsie rolls (to counter the savory with the sweet) and watch movies in bed cuddled with my pups all night.

Let's face it, the only thing a single girl  (or unhappily attached girl) can count on is the comfort of pizza and the love of her faithful furry companions. So tonight, I shall do just that. 

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Pride Is Upon Us!!!

It's almost that time here in Atlanta. It is almost time to celebrate unity and equality (almost) and basically, just us being us.

The Atlanta Pride Festival.

The organizers are always planning and presenting new things every year. The parades are epic. The parties fantastic. And there is one party that I am DYING to go to for many reasons, with a big one being this.

Whitney and Sara are hosting a party at MSR....SQUEEEE!!!

Can I just say I am SUPER EXCITED!?!?!?!?!?! I need to make plans to have the night free so I may attend this amazingness that is going to transpire-which also means I need to be prepared to drop some cash to get in but yeah...this needs to happen. 

I don't necessarily watch a lot of reality tv. But I fell into The Real "L" Word when it first started and I fell in love-not with Whitney or Sara-but with a glimpse into some of the relationship dynamics presented in the show. And so, with the possibility to meet one of the ladies from this amazing show that I love, as well as her beautiful partner-that just really makes me so excited. I would love to sit and have a conversation with her...but I know she will be surrounded by her entourage and that will never happen...but...just in case she EVER reads this...

I adore you (not in a creepy I wanna make out with you way but in a I think you are awesome and admire who you are and what you are about kinda way) and I would love to sit down and buy you a cup of coffee and just have a real, honest to goodness conversation with you and Sara. 

And now my silly fangirl behavior will end...for now ;-)~

Friday, September 13, 2013

Please Just Be Direct

No one likes confrontation, but it is a necessary part of life. You have to be clear when you are conveying a thought or feeling with most people. I can't tell you how many times people get led the wrong way because someone was not direct with them.

I prefer directness. Now, there is a difference between having zero tact and being politely direct. I often have to be politely direct with people in my life and I am so appreciative when they return the favor. I find that a lack of directness, and a total avoidance of confrontation, takes place in the dating world. Someone doesn't want to be portrayed as the "bad guy" so, instead of being honest and, yep-you guessed it-direct, they avoid avoid avoid and eventually, someone ends up getting hurt. Generally it is the person who is being avoided.

I have been dating again-nothing serious. But, I do NOT understand WHY it is so damn hard to be direct! Don't tell me you care for me then disappear. Don't tell me you want to spend time together then give feeble excuses as to why you all of a sudden can't. You can tell's okay! I am a big girl. I can handle rejection-I PROMISE!

The thing is, and I hate to admit this, my hopes for meeting that one special woman who makes my heart jump have lowered considerably. Aside from the fact that I don't live smack dab in the middle of the gay community, having children makes it that much more difficult to date. I don't have spontaneity. I don't generally have a lot of free time. I don't have the ability to just up and leave at a moments notice whenever the mood strikes. Not without my kids-and often even with my kids spontaneity doesn't really exist. As I type, I am in communication with a travel agent to plan a trip to Ireland. NEXT year. I have to plan, save, make sure someone is there to watch my girls and my animals so I can take my son on this EPIC mother/son trip. My whole point in saying this is I have to plan my life, my outings, my DATES for a reason.

I love my kids. They are my world. They are my everything. I have yet to meet a person that even begins to come close to how much they mean to me. When I meet someone, I have zero issue in telling them they need to understand that my kids come first no matter what and if that is going to be an issue, then perhaps we need to not pursue this. More often than not, it is decided that perhaps nothing should be pursued. I'm fine with that. Why? Because at least I was DIRECT with them from the beginning.

In closing, all that can be said, that bears repeating, is please, please, PLEASE be direct and honest. At the very least, someone can say you were never afraid to speak your mind or about how you feel or about how something made you feel.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Back in the Saddle Again

Aaaannnddd...I'm back. 

The man I wrote about dating back last September...well...he didn't work out. I cared for him, yes, but not like I should have and while he is an amazing guy, he...or his gender...are just not for me. I've been trying to figure out what it is that went wrong, what was wrong with me, what did I do, or not do, and what could I do to fix it. 

Simply put, the answer is don't date men any more. While some may say I'm a dabbler, that I go to one gender when the other doesn't work out, I think that is as far from the truth as possible. I had history with this guy. And fond memories. But the truth of the matter was while the memories were fond, there was no way to translate those fond memories of days gone by into a successful present day adult relationship with him. Especially when I was still harboring attractions to the fairer sex...enough so that I contemplated having a relationship with both at the same time (no, not a threesome, get your mind out of the gutter) so I would feel fulfilled. That was a silly thought. I never acted on it at all. I am not a cheater...even when in the wrong relationship. Because while I may have had babies with a guy, my heart and soul tell me dating men is just not going to work. I am appreciative of their rugged handsomeness, their chiseled beauty, their form as it pertains to a work of art. But I don't want to sleep with them. I don't want to kiss them. I don't want to fall asleep wrapped up in snugly sheets with them. I want a, I want a WOMAN. I don't want to raise a girlfriend. I don't want someone who dabbles. I don't want someone who says one thing and then acts another way completely opposite of their word. I want an honest to goodness relationship with a woman I find attractive inside and out who will love me for me and will love my munchkins as well. 

Is that too much to ask?

Friday, June 21, 2013

Does The Confusion EVER REALLY Go Away? Nope...Probably NOT.

So...I posted last September that I started dating a man...and because of that I stopped blogging about the woman loving part of me because, well, honestly, it felt fraudulent. The thing is, I never stopped the whole lady love thing. And I shouldn't have felt fraudulent...In fact, dating this guy (who was wonderful-it just didn't work for us) really made me realize that I will probably always struggle with who I am attracted to more. But then, why do I have to be attracted to one sex more than the other? I don't think that I should have to compartmentalize those parts of me. I joked with my my mom that if it didn't work out with this guy (who again, was WONDERFUL, but it wasn't working for us) then I could just date women again...or another guy...because I am fluid like that. I don't want to pigeon-hole myself into a label (while most would call me bi, I don't want to subscribe to that label) and have people think I just want to have my cake and eat it, too. The truth is, I enjoy everyone! I don't care if you are trans, pansexual, lesbian (obviously the lovely gay boys don't wanna date this chic and I'm cool with having fab GBBF's), bisexual...but straight girls who wanna experiment are not for me. Dated a straight chic once...not cool. Never again.

I digress.

So I am currently reconnecting with the lady-lovin part of me. I get to watch my awesome reality show, The Real L Word, I am talking to a wonderful woman who I find mentally stimulating and emotionally fulfilling and we are planning a date, and I have stopped stressing over what people think of me. I can't freak out over what someone thinks...whether or not I'm gay or straight or bi or pan or queer or gender neutral or andro or butch or lipstick or pants or pumps...I just don't care. I have moments, I think, where I can be a little more masculine, or feminine, or a nice blend...I don't want people to put me into a box and seal it up tight with the societal labeling expectations. 

So this is me: I am a single mom, living on her own with three kids, starting a fab career, having a wonderful dog, and dating whomever I want to regardless of gender or sexual orientation. If I am attracted to them and the feeling is mutual, then I will date them. 

Saturday, September 15, 2012

When One Gets Sick, They All Get Sick

It has happened. The plague has hit my house. Well...not the plague...not really. Strep throat has hit my house with a vengeance and so far it has taken down three of us. My dad was lucky enough to jump ship and head to our farm. He has manly chores to do. My mom...well...she is here...with me and the kids. My son has strep. He was diagnosed yesterday. My youngest has strep. she was diagnosed this evening. I am pretty sure I have it considering I feel like my body has been beaten with a baseball bat and I am just plain worn out. (I don't have health insurance so I can't go to the funds for that. Which really sucks. Because now I am taking some left over antibiotics I had and that is probably not a good thing.) My middle daughter is not showing any signs of the strep monster but, even though I don't want her to get sick, I am pretty much expecting it because, well, it's the strep monster and it eventually gets everyone.

I hate it when my kids get sick. I hate it when I get sick while my kids are sick because then I feel like I am utterly useless. It's hard to make your kids feel better when you feel like total shit. So, I shall lounge in my jammies tomorrow, drop the prescription off for my youngest daughters meds in the morning so I can pick it up later, and then I am holing up, hunkering down, and get down to the business of feeling better. Because then, I can help my babies feel better. Which is the most important thing...ever.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Where To Begin...

It's been a while and I need to update and explain.

I came a lesbian...a year ago. It was hard and it was an experience. I told friends and family and dated women and made new friends and awesome connections.

And then...then someone I cared for very much a long time ago came back into my life. We had been talking, as friends, for a long time. We remained connected through the wonders of Facebook and mutual friends. This person spent some time with me over this past Labor Day Weekend. And then, we had THE talk. The "Holy Shit I still have feelings for you except they are all mature and non-highschool" talk which a few days later turned into the "I just want to see where this goes and here is to hoping that the third time is the charm" talk and now, I am officially in a relationship.

With a man. (GASP!!!)

I know, I know, I sister called me out on it, my friends have called me out on it, and I have called me out on it as well. WTF was up with the whole lesbian thing? Well, in short, I am NOT confused. I am NOT wishy-washy (although some may beg to differ). I was not testing the waters and trying it on to see how it fit. The truth is, I truly do love women. I love their curves, their softness, their emotional capabilities, their communication styles, the way they kiss, smell, touch, taste...I love women. I do. BUT, I am attracted to this man. And not just physically, but emotionally as well. So, while some may say I am bisexual, I say I am loving of all genders-be they male, female, trans...whatever. I don't discriminate. I guess what I am saying is I was wrong...but I am not ashamed of my attraction to all sexes. Rather, I will embrace it and go with it and I hope that you, dear readers, can do the same.

No, I have not changed my views. I still believe in marriage equality, life equality, I still REFUSE to go to Chick-Fil-A, I still have my rainbow gear proudly displayed in my car, I still admire and drool over women, I still believe that my kids need to be raised around people from ALL walks of life. I also believe in monogamy and honesty (which is why I am 'fessing up here) and being true to ones self. I am glad I admitted my attraction to women out loud. I don't want to take it back. I feel a little silly having to explain the whole thing to those who know me and have only ever seen me with a woman (I hadn't dated a man in a VERY long time before I was with women). But, I will continue to do so to whomever wants to ask.

Just know this: My sexuality is MINE. I am not ashamed of it, I will not hide it, and I will always try to be as honest as I can about it.

I am really happy though....with the boyfriend. I feel like his personality, his warped sense of humor, his off beat way of thinking compliments mine and that is something I haven't experienced in a while.

I will still continue to blog, but I will not claim the lesbian title anymore as I don't want to claim something that is no longer mine to claim and I don't want to piss anyone off. I will still write about hard issues to talk about, I will still blog about randomness, I will still provide helpful links to all sorts of fun sites. I just hope that you, dear readers, can respect what I am and will still continue to read as I do so very much love to write for you.